I am overwhelmed with exhaustion. My thoughts are an ocean, waves of memories sweeping in and out of my mind, leaving me restless and empty, taking everything that I have and everything that I have ever dreamed of having. I think of you sometimes. I think of the life you gave me and how I wouldn’t have ever wanted anything more. The little nothing touches, the smiles, the tears, how could I have wanted anything else? Your fingertips brushing against my hipbone, that always seemed to drive you crazy, your eyes wandering as I peeled your clothes off of your body, my eyes on you as you lifted my shirt, I used to believe you were feeling for my heart. The way a smile formed at the corner of your lips as I admired you while you were smoking a cigarette, the way your hands would reach for me in the dead of night when you knew I had moved an inch, the way your lips left thoughts of you on my skin. We had it all. Do you remember that night in your car? You drove for so long. I didn’t think you were ever going to stop. We were surrounded by city lights and bodies of water that I would have loved to drown in with you and cars with people in them that were feeling some of the things we were feeling and the stars in the sky so admirable yet so unappreciated and I just wanted to drink the sky and you just wanted to drive on and on and on until we had no choice but to stop for gas and grab another pack of cigarettes and I loved you that night. I kept brushing my fingers against the car window beside me and my fingers made little shapes that seemed to be permanently etched into the glass and you hated that but you loved me, I know you did, or I thought you did, and what did you feel that night whenever my eyes focused on you, only you, and I uttered the words that you had dreaded or did you hope that I would say them? Did you want to hear those words come from someone anyone because you hadn’t heard it for what felt like an eternity and you needed to fill that hole in your heart and you were so fucking empty and you were so lonely and you said nothing back, you said nothing and your car screeched to a halt and you grabbed my hand. You took me to our spot, this bluff that was hidden behind the Walgreens where all of the young drug addicts met up to exchange gifts, to exchange their addiction, to exchange their monster (you were mine). It was cold outside and the night was so fucking beautiful, do you remember that? I felt like the moon could swallow me whole. Anyway, we made love for the first time that night. We had fucked before and we had fucked after but this night, we made love, and I know you want to believe you didn’t feel it, but I know you did, you were gentle and I was kind and your eyes never left mine. Not once. I wish I knew what the fuck happened in your head. I woke up one morning and you had left a note saying that you were sorry. That was it. People tell me things about you all the time. You were at this party and you got really messed up, fucked a girl you hardly knew, heard she was much, much younger than you. You cried, called my name, said I wouldn’t answer your calls but I hadn’t received one. I was good for one thing, I suppose, and that was filling the empty void in your heart that continued to grow over time and I thought that you loved me but I was wrong, you thought that you loved me but you knew you didn’t all along. I am being drowned by this ocean that I have created in my head and I am unconscious and all I can see is you and I don’t want to wake up.